HOW TO REALLY BE THERE FOR SOMEONE AKA HOLDING SPACE
What is holding space?
Holding space for someone can mean a variety of things but at the minimum, it means to take initiative to show empathy towards another person's situation or circumstance. For the listener, this requires them to make time for that individual to do whatever is needed, rather that be crying, voicing their hurt or even just sitting with them in silence. Whatever they might need, the person holding space for them will be there in a nonjudgmental and supportive way.
One of the most important things to do when holding space is to make sure that the person who needs to be listened to, feels heard. It means to be intentional about setting time aside to be fully present with this person and providing them your full and undivided attention.Every relationship is unique — just like each person within a relationship is unique. As we move through the world and experience its gifts and punishments, the level of support we need and are capable of giving to others, can shift in terms of our own emotional capacity. We could be sitting right next to someone we care about, while having a full conversation with them and still not really be seeing or hearing them.
Below are a few tips for holding space for someone:
1. REFOCUS YOUR LISTENING
A lot of the time, when we talk to someone, our main focus is on what we’re going to say next. Doing this while trying to hold space for someone may not be very effective. To avoid this, listen carefully with the intent of understanding what they are saying, instead of worrying on your response. Practice active listening - when they’re done, repeat back what they’ve said, so you both can ensure you understood properly.
2. DON’T JUMP INTO PROBLEM-SOLVING MODE
When we hear someone share something difficult, our first instinct might be to try to reframe the situation or find a way to solve the problem. Neither of these is the point of holding space; the point is to be there for that person, without judgment. If you feel tempted to minimize, reframe, or solve the issue, remember that this urge doesn’t serve your purpose, and transition back to active listening.
3. DON’T CENTER YOURSELF
We know It’s often easier to understand something when we can relate it back to ourselves. Try to resist the urge to insert yourself in the situation. There is a time and a place to talk about your experiences, but holding space isn’t it. Keep your own issues and experiences separate from this interaction so that you can focus on being there for the other person.
4. REASSURE THEM THAT YOU BELIEVE THEM
It can often be hard to be vulnerable with someone, so don't take it light that the person who needed you to be there, called upon you. While holding space for someone, it can be helpful to explicitly express that you believe them, and you believe in them. Remind them that you trust and believe their knowledge and intuition.
5. BE OPEN TO WHATEVER EMOTIONS COME UP
You never know what’s going to come up when you give someone space to be vulnerable. Emotions are complicated and can be confusing or even conflicting, so instead of fighting the feelings that might want to come up, encourage and allow space for the other person to let it out. Reassure them that you are there for them, no matter what comes up.
Holding space is something that seems simple, but actually takes a lot of practice and involves self and aftercare for the person holding space. Keep these tips in mind to guide you as you hold space for others and for yourself.
sending lots of love & light ❤️
- Maya Benberry